Miscellaneous
Wishing For a Place Where I Don’t Exist
I wrote and sang this song back in 2004 for a class in my funeral service program. There’s a video that goes along with it (and was a rad amateur vid for 2004), but the video is rather violent. You can view it here if you wish, but be forewarned that it not only contains violence, but it also has a number of heavy curse words.
The idea of the song is that some people’s lives are so messed up that they hope there’s a place where there is no existence. It was inspired by a friend of mine in high school, who was abused as a child and used drugs to blunt the pain. He was also raised in a Christian family and believed that his actions warranted hell.
His hope was that he could die and there would be neither heaven or hell, but simply nothing … a place where he can’t feel pain, hurt or even happiness. If there is nothing after death, and life is full of pain … for many suicide is the only respite they can imagine. And while I don’t know what happened to my friend, I hope he found life offered in Jesus.
The song itself starts at the 1 minute, 51 second mark.
Remembering Holy Saturday: The Day We Embrace Doubt and Silence
Doubt and silence play a major role in the history of the Church; a role, that for the most part, has been written out of the Protestant and evangelical story.
In the Eastern Orthodox tradition, the method through which they look at theology is called “apophatic theology”, which is contra Western style of theology in that it speaks silence towards God, who is, they say, in many ways, unspeakable. Cataphatic theology (the Western style), which is what almost all of us in America attempt to do, is the attempt to define God positively, which often involves definition and affirmation. In other words, our theology often involves many words, while their theology often invokes silence (thus their use of icons as means of meditation during silence).
Silence has been written out of the Western view of God.
Protestant and evangelicals not only like to speak about God, they also like to assert about God. Doubt it not a part of our paradigm; thus, when somebody begins to doubt aspects of Christianity, it’s looked down upon, whereas in some Christian traditions – especially Orthodox and in some cases Catholicism – doubt is an accepted form of worship.
Thus, Holy Saturday … the Holy Day where doubt and silence is the PROPER POSITION of worship.
In the Catholic and Orthodox tradition, Holy Saturday is the holy day between Good Friday and Easter. It’s a day when we attempt to understand what the disciples of Christ were feeling. A day when we put ourselves in their sandals.
A day when we try to understand, as the disciples had, the crucifixion WITHOUT the knowledge of the resurrection.
Chris Patton writes,
“It is a day full of question. What will become of his message? Was Jesus the messiah? How will life come from death? Does God really have the last word? Are the powers and principalities really in charge as their killing of Jesus seems to indicate? I can only try to imagine what the disciples were going through. This was not just a friend dying. The disciples’ view of the future, their hope for what was to come, a new way of life, all hinged on Jesus … maybe we should change the name from Holy Saturday to Doubting Saturday. I don’t think anything Holy was going on in the disciples’ mind. Fear, frustration, anger, depression – doubt must have been a hundred pound weight on their chest. (For a more expansive article on Holy Saturday, check out this link)
Holy Saturday is a day when the church belongs to the doubters. It’s a day when we as Western Christians should do two things we are very uncomfortable with: embrace doubt and silence.
Depression, Suicidal Thoughts: Guest Post from Ryan McGinnis
Ryan McGinnis has wrestled hell a couple times.
He also has a man beard. I’m talking about the kind of beard that could be trimmed for Locks of Love and made into a head piece for a Jewish guy who has alopecia universalis.
Ryan has also had a few kick boxing matches with both depression and suicidal thoughts.
Ryan and I also go to Biblical Seminary together and he’s my friend. And he blogs.
Below is a recent piece from his blog that I read during class last night. I asked Ryan if this piece could be a “guest post” and he agreed.
I hope you’ve never struggled with the kind of stuff Ryan describes below. And I hope that if you have struggled you can find encouragement, not only from Ryan’s story, but also from his willingness to embrace life.
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In 2010, I spent the majority of the year in a state of dark and deep depression, prone to fits of suicidal idealization. I did not want to die, but did not desire to live. The thought of the grief I would cause those that I love kept me from making such a selfish decision. I would lay in bed for days just wishing that I could close my eyes and fade into nothingness.
Even now I have good weeks and months and bad weeks and months, but all of last year was characterized by an ache within my heart that I could not alleviate. I drank almost every day. I stayed awake for days and then slept for days. I can remember in the beginning of January, waking up and bargaining with God with my life: “God, if you do not do something, I will end it. If you do not do something to help me, I will end it.”
Sometime in the early summer of 2010, I woke up Sunday morning with an expression stuck in my head. I could not shake it, and I still repeat the phrase from time to time. I had Googled the phrase and found no answer. It seemed like gibberish, yet I knew it had to mean something important.
I woke up repeating the phrase “Aung-fec-tungen”. That was how I heard it, that was how I spelled it. I didn’t know what it meant, but I even spoke about it to the Sunday school class I was teaching. It just overwhelmed me, and wouldn’t leave me.
Tonight, I am reading Off the Record with Martin Luther
Luther, having been overwhelmed in his soul, thought that he was about to die. I read of the fit he was having and thought “I have been that ill before.” My wife can testify to this. I was so overwhelmed and grieved in my soul I had stroke like symptoms and had to get an MRI done. These episodes had left me bedridden for days.
Speaking of Luther’s condition, the editor makes this note:
Martin Luther often experienced severe depression and torment of the soul. He did not doubt the existence of God, but doubted whether he was worthy. The German word for this condition is Anfechtung, and there is no comparable English translation. It can only be summed up as torment of the soul, but means much more than that. It is a feeling of utter isolation and depression, of panic and despair, of total unworthiness, the ultimate in lack of self-esteem before God (121).
Tonight, before beginning my reading, I intentionally prayed to God for the first time that I can remember. In my despairing, and anxiety I asked for help once again.
I asked that God would help me to die. Not a physical death, but a death to the pursuit of fixing that which is broken within me. A death to the things that leave me so grieved and despairing that all I am capable of doing is seeking relief from their weight upon me.
Tonight, I have been given a word that describes my condition:
In having a description, I know how to call out to my God and ask him to save me from it.
“Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”
Tonight I will seek to lose my life. I cannot carry Christ’s burden while carrying my own. In losing my life, perhaps for the first time, I may live and have life abundantly.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
My only hope is your promise, Oh God.
Death to me is now a welcomed friend who brings peace and rest to my soul.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner,
Amen
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It takes strength to recognize personal struggles and courage to share them publicly. If you resonate with Ryan’s story and want to continue the conversation, please feel the freedom to share.
Suicide Song
You may be saying to yourself, “I didn’t know Caleb can sing?” Well, Caleb can’t sing, but he has written a number of songs, none of which are good enough for the radio, but since this blog is a suck blog, this song happens to be good enough here. I’m such a self-promoter, that if I had written the old Barney Song (“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family”), I would’ve probably posted it on this blog. And now that I put that God-awful PBS sponsored song in your head, you have to get it out by listening to this lovely song. This is one on suicide. I wrote it for an assignment in funeral school, and I actually wrote it during a funeral Mass.
>Strong Savior
>I wrote this song back in the day. I never like listening to myself sing because I’ve never felt very confident with my voice, but the thoughts I share in this song mean something to me. I’ve always been struck with how easily I believe that God can move mountains, but have always found it hard to believe he can change the valleys in my own life.
