Death
Trying to Make Sense of a Tragic Death
I picked up the phone with my rehearsed, “Hello. This is the Wilde Funeral Home. Caleb speaking.” The voice on the other end says abruptly, “I have a problem … my son-in-law was killed in a motorcycle accident yesterday.”
Now that I know the nature of her call, the next five or six sentences are as rehearsed as the first.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you” she says.
I pause … waiting to see if the silence elicits any farther response; and, at the same time I’m contemplating if I should deviate from the script and ask her about details of the death.
Keeping with the script, I continue on, inquiring about the hospital he’s at, the name of her daughter, her daughter’s phone number and then the hardest question of them all:
“Do you know if you want embalming or cremation?” I say with hesitation.
And what proceeded was her only scripted response.
“It depends on the condition of his body. The coroner told us he slammed into a tree without his helmet on, but they wouldn’t tell us anymore. If he’s bad … cremation. If he’s okay … embalming.”
We went over the plan of action, which consists of me calling the hospital to see if her son-in-law’s released, calling the coroner to inquire about the condition of the body and then calling her back to let her know a time she could come in to the funeral home and make arrangements.
I called the coroner’s office.
Got the release from the hospital.
And an hour later I was standing in the morgue unzipping the body bag to see if the body of this 40 year old man was viewable. It was the back of the head that hit the tree … something we could fix for his wife and four young children (ages 5 to 13), so they could see their husband and daddy one last time.
15 hours of restoration. He still didn’t look right. Dead people never look right. We’re so used to seeing them alive that dead is never accurate … but this was different. This was a motorcycle accident that threw a man into a tree.
We gave the wife the choice to continue on with the public viewing or close the lid and she chose to keep it open, sharing the reality and source of her pain in all its distortion … sharing it even with her four young children and all their schoolmates that came out in support, many of whom saw unperfected death for the very first time.
The scheduled end of the viewing came and went but people kept coming to view.
Finally the last person filed past the casket and the family knew the time to say their last good-bye had approached.
The viewing was held in a church, with the casket positioned at the front of a totally full sanctuary. As a way to provide privacy to the family, we turned the open casket around so that the lid blocked the view from the pews … creating a private space where tears could be shed in all their honest shock.
The sanctuary echoed with the cries of four children and their mother.
And the sanctuary echoed with the cries of four weeping children and their mother … making time stand silent.
The grandfather came up to the casket, wrapped his arms around the children and said, “This is hard for you to understand.” The tear soaked porcelain skin cheeks. The last look of their father’s physical body save the memories their young minds have stored.
In those moments as the sanctuary resounded with the cries produced by an inexplicable death, there wasn’t a person in the room who understood.
Yet all tried to understand. All grasped for an explanation.
In these moments — as we watched these young children — we all became like them. With all the well intended cliches emptied of meaning, we allowed our minds to reconcile with what our hearts were telling us: we simply can’t understand something that doesn’t make sense.
What Exactly is Grief? A Guest Post
Today’s guest post comes from the innovative Jeff Staab. Jeff was a funeral director for 20 years; and eventually translated that experience to his entrepreneurial enterprise “Cremation Solutions”.
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What is Grief?
Grief is defined as a state of extreme sorrow, especially caused due to the loss of a loved one. Grief is also accompanied by many other emotions depending on the type of loss and the kind of emotional attachment one had with the deceased. Irrespective of the cause of death and other similar situation, the pain is much more than a person is usually able to handle. There are other situations like paralysis, Alzheimer’s’ disease or a person gone missing when feelings of loss are felt.
The term is mostly used when someone witnesses the death of a loved one but the symptoms can also be seen with the loss of a job, children growing up and leaving home, disability, moving from one city to another. I was recently served with a Divorce from my wife and trust me it feels like death! The grief can feel the same whether the death is sudden or followed by prolonged illness. It basically is a mental condition and its extent varies with every individual.
Grief is further classified into disenfranchised, traumatic and complicated grief. While traumatic grief is due to a major unexpected event like a natural calamity, attack or any other violent method. This type of grief is often accompanied with anger, hatred, fear etc. Disenfranchised grief is relatively difficult to recognize and occurs due to smaller events like disability, loss of job, chronic illness, break up or any other public event. Complicated grief is the most difficult to identify and deal with.
Is Dealing with Grief a Part of Your Profession?
Loss and death are natural and inevitable truths of human life and we do need to create businesses to deal with these situations also. There are certain professions that have to deal with death and grief on a daily basis. People working as a doctor, nurse, paramedical, in funeral or insurance industry, police force etc have to learn how to deal with the extra stress of grief and sorrow. For an empathetic person, someone else’s grief also feels like his own and at times it becomes difficult to cope with it. I feel as a funeral director that for me to do a good job it’s impossible not to absorb elements of others grief. I tend to submerge myself into the situation and try to feel myself in their shoes to truly understand the needs of those I served. I probably should have been better at the art of disassociation because at year twenty I burnt out as they say, and became depressed for the first time in my life.
Working in the funeral industry is especially tougher because the medical professionals also get the opportunity to save people’s lives but this day never comes in the life of a funeral consultant. Thank god for the families that show appreciation and thanks. This is a tough job and it is real service to be around grieving people and give them the comfort and help them go through their pain till they reach a state of acceptance. Grieving people often become cranky and sensitized, so if there is any mis-communication , it is difficult to negotiate or remain stern with such clients. However, with time, you can prepare yourself and learn to be emotionally strong during these times.
Dealing with Your Own Feelings of Loss
As a funeral director I have attended many funerals and often found it hard to hold back the tears. We need to look strong and in control right! I cry like a baby now at weddings and tell others it’s from the buildup of having to hold the tears back at all those funerals. If you have suffered a loss, you know how it feels and seeing someone else in the same state may bring back your own feelings. Do not try to bury your feelings but learn to accept them. Death of a loved one is a prominent event of life and it takes it time to heal. Just because you are a person with a positive attitude, it does not mean that death of a loved one will leave you unaffected. Accept it as an inevitable life event and let it take the time it needs to heal. With this acceptance, you can feel better during the entire grieving process.
The trick is to let go as much as possible. Keep yourself busy with the daily activities. The tasks you usually delegate, do them yourself for a while. Keeping yourself physically active will also help you feel positive again and keep your mind in balance. Do not try to forget the person magically and feel bad when his or her thought come up. If you have spent a memorable time with someone, you definitely deserve to remember it.
Slowly, learn to move on. Keep faith in the almighty and accept that some things are just meant to be. Stop questioning and that will make life a lot more easier. It is important that you let go of the possessions of your loved one. The more you cling to them, the more you will remain miserable inside. Avoid getting into the state of denial and continue living the way you did, going to the same places, doing the same activities, eating the same food as you did with your loved ones. This will only deepen the grief and make it more difficult for you to carry on.
Being Around Someone in Grief
Most of us face the situation when we need to be there for people in grief. Many of us feel awkward in such situations and do not know what to say and how to react. The most important thing is to be there for them. If you don’t know what to say just don’t say anything. It is fine to be quiet at a funeral. Do not let the situation make you feel so awkward that you avoid it. A person suffering from a loss does not want more people to leave him alone whether you are a close friend, family or a stranger.
Most cultures have a huge gathering when someone is no more. Funerals should not necessarily be private or small. Having people around definitely helps. Just let them know that you understand and you care. It is not the best time to give them spiritual knowledge of how life and death don’t matter. If you know the person, feel free to talk about him a little. Share the feeling of grief and shed a few tears if you feel like.
Not many people think about it but a helping hand with the cooking comes as a great help during time of grief. Make them some tea, bring them cooked meals, do the dishes and take the garbage out. Practical help is much better than long condolences. Accompany them for routine tasks like shopping etc and drive them to public places once in a while.
Signs of Unresolved Grief
We often think that time heals everything and simply assume that the grieving period is over for someone just because few months or years have passed. In fact, the grief does not completely go away for most people. If the grief was not completely expressed initially, it may be piling up and explode at an inappropriate time. If there has been a violent activity involved with the loss, post traumatic stress can be seen. These symptoms can be identified as loss of appetite, inability to sleep well, constant headaches and backaches. All of these are signs of accumulated stress.
This happens when the person does not feel comfortable to share or express his feelings either publicly or privately. To avoid such conditions, it is advisable to attend funerals for people you care about. When a person hears others talking about the deceased, they also express themselves even if they are afraid to. If the grief is already accumulated, there are many ways to take care of it too.
Some Activities that Help Manage Grief
There are many things that you can do to keep yourself busy. Depending on your interest, you can choose an active sport or a creative hobby to devote some of your time regularly. Indulging in such activities will bring your mind back to the present moment for a while. You will get freedom from the anxieties of the future and memories of the past. Joining a dance class is a great idea because it will keep you physically and mentally occupied. Physical activity has been scientifically proved to reduce the stress hormones in the body.
Learn to meditate. It might be difficult at first but as you continue trying, it will heal you perfectly. Do not opt for an online meditation but rather go to a class to keep you committed. You can also get a massage or a spa treatment done. You might not feel like it, but go anyway. These are subtle techniques that reach and work at a level where you cannot reach on your own. .
Sometimes in life, we face situations that we are not prepared to handle. At these times, it is out faith in God that keeps us going. It is always helpful to attend a church or get exposed to other form of spiritual knowledge based on your religion and beliefs. It is possible to live a happy and healthy life in spite of the situation you are facing. There are many people who have faced big setbacks in life and still came out strong to face the world.
Remember than every situation that comes in your life can only make you stronger. Don’t only speak it but also live by it. Be thankful for the time you got to spend with your loved one and think of people who do not even have that much. Engage in community service and your heart will mend. Do something new, visit new places, make new friends. Take your time but get back to life head on.
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I Carry Death
Tears in the produce aisle of Wal-Mart.
Hugs at the gas station.
An affectionate gaze at the pizza shop.
Created by death.
To you, I’m all the depth without any superficial.
The person who helped you walk through the shadow.
The person who stood with you as you said your last goodbye.
As the lid was closed, I was there.
I am not your friend.
I am not your bar buddy.
We will never talk sports, or politics or local gossip.
I am almost your brother.
Almost family.
I am your funeral director.
And I carry your death experience.
I carry in my own heart your grief, you insecurities, your hardest moment.
I remind you of him, of her … in many cases, I remind you of them.
I carry the depth. Your deep is in me.
The depth of this community is my association.
Everywhere I go, I carry death.
Ten Things to Hate about Me
“I hate this guy” he wrote, referring to me. This past weekend I was on the front page of NBC’s news site and the hate remark was in reference to the content of the article.
I get it. I put myself out on facebook, twitter and my blog and not everyone will like me. BUUUUTTT, it still kinda hurts.
In addition to that remark, this last month has brought some disapproving assessments such as “You’re a disgrace to the funeral industry.”, “You should quit.”, “(your content) shouts inappropriate and trashy” and that I’m “completely nuts.” Because the value of the conversation about death and funerals outweighs the negative comments, I’m okay with the criticism. In fact, I welcome it, knowing that criticism and even hate are all apart of this important conversation.
But, if you’re gonna hate, let me help. Let me help by attempting to put your feelings into words. I think we can have a better conversation if you know WHY you hate me. So, here are ten:
One. I represent a rather avant-garde approach to death and funerals.
I like tradition. Most of us do. Tradition becomes a part of who we are. And when some young guy like me comes along and starts talking about and questioning a part of your tradition, it’s like I’m questioning and talking about you. It’s like I’m demeaning you and your tribe.
Two. I don’t treat death as sacred as you might like me to.
In my opinion, death and the funeral industry aren’t like the sacred Ark of the Covenant … something that can only be talked about and handled by the professionals … something that’s hidden behind layers of veils. I’ve removed the veil. I don’t treat it like it’s a distant abstraction. I think it’s real and near. I weave humor into it. I don’t think it’s only for the professionals. In fact, I think – in one way or another – we all have a right to talk about it. And yes, even Tweet about it.
Three. I’m a millennial and I tend to be postmodern.
I just make the millennial cut. As far as being postmodern, that has little to do with age and a lot to do with perspective.
I do not see things in absolutes like you may. I see the world differently. I’m not looking for metanarratives; I don’t believe that one size fits all, and so I don’t believe one type of funeral ritual is good for all. I see multiple stories, many narratives and I realize that each narrative, each community is looking for something different in both life and death.
Four. I’m writing my blog for millennials and postmoderns.
My generation isn’t interested in the funeral business as much as they’re interested in the people of the funeral business. I – my story, my narrative, my life, my thoughts – will be the foundation of my sustainability as a funeral director. Not necessarily marketing, the new “personalized” merchandise, the next great package or even an awesome webpage (my website looks as dated as a Nokia clam shell). My story — good and bad — will shape my future in this industry. And being able to tell that story in social media is the means to that end.
Five. I’m willing to be transparent.
Maybe even too transparent? Because I think transparency is akin to vulnerability. And vulnerability is one of the keys to connecting with postmoderns and millennials like myself.
Six. I’m a bronie.
Just kidding. Okay, maybe I like My Little Ponies a tiny, tiny bit.
Seven. I like Mother Earth.
I don’t think that this world is something we should use and abuse because there’s another, better world in the life beyond. I don’t think earth is a playground that we can mess up because REAL life starts after this one. I believe this world is special … that we should treat it as such. And while I serve, honor and respect people who want embalming, I’m moving towards natural burial as a more environmentally friendly and psychologically healthy method of disposition.
Eight. I’m a heretic.
Yes, my desire to move away from industrialized funerals, including embalming, is considered heresy for some. You’re welcome to burn me on social media. Just don’t use real fire. Please. I have skins. I burns. It hurts.
Nine. It’s not just that I’m a millennial and postmodern, it’s also that I’m young and I have a platform.
I’m not using my platform to “tell everyone how it SHOULD be done.” I’m sharing my thoughts and inviting a conversation. I want the conversation, even if it leads down a path I’m not comfortable with. Just so we’re clear. And yes, I’m young. I’m 32.
Ten. I like Nickelback, The Twilight Series and … I’m not a big fan of cats. Sorry.
Aging, Dying and Being Reborn in Stop Motion
From the video’s creator: “This is an animated self-portrait exploring the idea of rebirth and illustrating the transfer of energy from one incarnation to another. I painted this stop frame animation on myself over 5 days, using some face paints, a mirror and a camera.
Ruby from Emma Allen on Vimeo.
I’d like to think there’s truth to this video. I’d like to think there’s a lot of truth to it. In fact, I wonder how much of me, how much of you, is made up of those who have gone before us. That not only our character constitution, but our physical constitution, is inherited from our ancestors. Kum ba yah.
