Death

A Symbol in the Sky

You get home from a stressful day working at the funeral home.  You change out of your suit and into your comfortable clothes and as soon as you sit down, your cell phone rings.

“There’s a death at such and such place.”  And in your head, you’re thinking, “Gahhh!  I just … took … my suit off!”  It seems to happen all the time.

So you grab the suit that you so carefully hung in your closet, tighten your tie, slap your uncomfortable dress shoes back on your feet and put the drink that you just poured yourself back in the fridge.

Last week, I got home at around 4:30 on a Friday and had just put my feet up.  And you guessed it.  A death call.

A young woman.

Tragic.

As I drove away from the hospital, the sun set was spectacular.  It changed every minute I drove, so I decided to pull out my phone, pull off the side of the snow covered road and take some photos for Instagram.

This is the unfiltered photo:

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I ran it through a couple filters on Instagram, posted it and didn’t think anything of it until “casem5” commented, “Am I the only one who sees a woman with long hair in the clouds?”

And then I, too (with the help of my imagination), saw it.  A woman’s profile, looking upward into the heavens.

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The next day, we showed the family this photo.  And of course it touched them.  They had experienced pain.  Grief.  And immense heartache as they had watched their mother deteriorate to death.  And when you see this much pain, it can feel as though the world is against you.  That God himself has set his face against you.

Call me a skeptic.  Call me cynical.  But I don’t believe this filtered Instagram photo is a message from the deceased.  Or a message from God.  This isn’t Jesus toast.  I do, however, see it as a symbol … a symbol of goodness … a symbol that maybe God is for us.

And I think it’s helpful to distinguish between symbols and signs.

Symbols are important in death because they can express ideas and feelings where words fall short.   And this beautiful sunset was their symbol of their mothers’ peace and freedom from the pain that wrecked her young body.  Symbols reach where words cannot.  But, reaching for signs … looking for communication from the other side can, at times, be maddening and confusing.  It’s dangerous — even neurotic — for our already grieving mind to go looking for signs from the deceased; but symbols are different … because symbols find us … they communicate what we can’t.  Whether it be the cross, or a woman in the clouds, symbols help us see the heavens.  And this symbol in the clouds gave this grieving family a small glimmer of hope in their hour of darkness.  Symbols, like the cross, help us believe.  They help us see the heaven in the midst of the hell.

Help Us, Social Media. You Are Our Only Hope.

651The funeral industry is too often known for its worst practitioners.  The practitioners who take financial advantage of the bereaved in their most helpless state.  Those who price gouge and exploit.  Those who use the dark side of the Force.

So how can you – the consumer – distinguish between the funeral homes that genuinely want to serve you and those that want to weasel their way into your wallet?

Some suggest that the distinction is as easy as corporate vs. family run, that corporate run funeral homes are the bad guys and family owned are suit wearing angels (i.e. Six Feet Under).  And while it may be true that corporate tends to be more about the bottom line, the assumption that all family owned funeral homes are good is just plain FALSE.  I’ve seen many family funeral directors that hide horns underneath their greased hair and will stop at nothing to “up sell” families into buying a more expensive funeral.

Years ago, Jessica Mitford with her “You may not be able to change the world, but at least you can embarrass the guilty” Jedi journalistic mantra managed to expose many a guilty funeral director.  In her “American Way of Death”, Mitford wittingly embarrassed the abuses of the funeral industry in the 1960s and paved the way for the “Funeral Rule” in the early 1980s … the “Funeral Rule” that is meant “to protect consumers by requiring that they receive adequate information concerning the goods and services they may purchase from a funeral provider.”

The “Funeral Rule” externally demanded disclosure and transparency from the funeral industry.  And yet, despite the “Funeral Rule” we are still seeing reports such as this:

In 2012, 23 of the 127 funeral homes, or about 18%, that the FTC visited undercover “significantly violated” the federal agency’s Funeral Rule, a 1984 law that requires funeral homes to give consumers itemized price lists, prohibits them from requiring the purchase of certain items like caskets as a condition to get other products and services, and bars aggressive selling of services not required by law, like embalming.

Read more: Your Funeral Home May Be Scamming You | TIME.com 

FOR THE SAKE OF THE CUSTOMER, HOW CAN THE GOOD, HONEST FUNERAL HOMES DISTINGUISH OURSELVES FROM THESE BAD FUNERAL HOMES?

Let’s be clear.  Secrecy in this industry is the cloak for criminality.  Just as the dark side feeds off emotions of anger, so the “bad” funeral directors feed off closed doors  The funeral industry needed Jessica Mitford.  And it’s a shame that someone had to come in from the outside to expose us.

Today, with the transparency of social media, the GOOD, honest funeral homes can disclose ourselves from the inside out.  I’m not talking about a funeral home having a website.  I’m talking about a funeral home having a blog, a facebook page, a twitter account, etc … a forum that invites feedback, that invites questions, criticism and praise … from you, our customers.  I’m talking about voluntarily disclosing ourselves to the world.  Fighting the dark side with the lightsaber of transparency.

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Through the communication space afforded by the web, funeral directors can open the doors to the public.  We reveal those places and practices that were previously held in secrecy.  We take off the tie and let the public see the man and woman behind the suit.  We create an environment where the consumer is NOT afraid to ask questions.  We educate the consumer about their burial options.  We explain to the consumer the laws that protect them.  We set price standards.  We tear down the veil of secrecy and the shroud of feigned “professionalism.”

The internet and the transparency it affords is a friend to the good funeral home.  It’s an enemy for those funeral homes that have practices they’d rather hide.  Simply put: If you want to hide, you stay away from opening yourself up on the web ’cause the web will eat you up with it’s questions and it’s brutal honesty.  If you don’t have anything to hide, the web will (for the most part) love you.  If we make transparency the industry standard, those who can’t be transparent will slowly (and sometimes suddenly) lose their business.

And that’s part of my goal at Confessions of a Funeral Director.  The more I tell consumers about the industry, the more educated they become, the easier they’ll be able find us good guys.  Empower the people.

And it’s those good funeral directors that need to take full advantage of social media outlets.  Educate.  Empower.  Disclose.  Accept the questions.  The vulnerability.  And by doing so you’ll create a group of consumers who will — on their own — be able to distinguish between the good guys and the bad guys.  Secrecy is friend to the bad funeral homes.  While social is friend to the good.

With transparency and social media, we can slowly set a new industry standard.  And you, the consumer … the ones we want to serve … will be better off for it.

Use the force, my friends.

My Visit to a Green Cemetery

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A photo of Green Meadow in late summer.

There are only a few green cemeteries in the Eastern part of Pennsylvania, none of which are close to my funeral home’s location.  Based solely on the information on their website, I decided to visit “Green Meadow” Cemetery some two hours away in Lehigh Valley. I called the “contact” number and soon heard a woman’s pleasant voice on the other end.  “Hello”, she said cheerfully.  As much as I was pleased to find such cheerfulness, I was also somewhat confused as I expected her to say, “Hello.  Green Meadow Cemetery.”  It seemed as though I had called someone’s home telephone number.  I started, “Hi.  My name is Caleb.  Is Ed available?”   “One minute”, she replied.  Ed – the name attached to the website’s contact number — grabbed the phone and we chatted for 15 minutes about Green Meadow and the philosophy behind it.  I explained that I was writing a small paper on green cemeteries for my post-grad class and we set a date for me to come up to Green Meadow and take a tour.

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I arrived on time to find Ed already waiting.  He was a young man in his seventies.  I say “young” because it seemed Green Meadow was an inspiration for him that brought out the energy of youth.  He explained that twelve years ago the Fountain Hill Cemetery (founded in 1872) had exhausted its perpetual care funding and – like many cemeteries – was on the brink of death.

The cemetery was unassociated with a church or organization and was simply a non-profit with no owner or director.  Ed and a few others took it upon themselves to revive the dying cemetery and after 12 years of volunteer work the cemetery was just starting to stand on its own. Part of the revival of the old cemetery has been the inclusion of Green Meadow, which sits within the boundaries of Fountain Hill Cemetery on a half-acre of wildflowers, grasses and shrubs.

Through a mutual friend, Ed was introduced to Mark Harris, the author of a Green Burial standard entitled “Grave Matters: A Journey through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Way of Natural Burial.”  After numerous conversations, Ed and the board at Fountain Hill partnered with Mark to create a philosophically sound green cemetery some four years ago.  Ed said that “Mark remains the cemetery’s greatest proponent.” Mark writes in his book, “The modern funeral has become so entrenched, so routinized, in fact, that most families believe it’s all but required when death comes calling (Harris 2007; 47).  Green Meadow cemetery calls into question the “all but required” traditional American funeral.

On a larger front, the green burial movement is interrelated with the natural death movement, home funerals and the natural birth movement as it underscores the desire to move away from the Promethean attempts of industrialized science and technology (Verhey 2011; 32 – 33).  Paula Hendrick, who surveyed the natural death movement in America notes that “our focus on personal autonomy and self-development have made it very hard for us to accept the inevitability of death” (Albery and Wienrich 2000; 11).  Michael Ignatieff writing for “The New Republic” echoes Hendrick when he states, “’Cultures that live by the values of self-realisation and self-mastery are not especially good at dying, at submitting to those experiences where freedom ends and biological fate begins. Why should they be? Their strong side is Promethean ambition: the defiance and transcendence of fate, the material and social limit. Their weak side is submitting to the inevitable” (Albery and Wienrich 2000; 12).

Indeed, buried beneath a full ten-acre American cemetery is enough wood to build forty houses, twenty thousand tons of concrete from the vaults, over nine-hundred tons of casket steel, and enough embalming fluid to fill a small swimming pool (Harris 2007; 38).  The idea of natural burial accepts the inevitable that despite concrete, wood, steel, preservative agents and the idealized attempt at physical immortality, the body will eventually decompose back to dust.  Natural burial will, per Mark Harris,

allow and even invite, the decay of one’s physical body … and return what remains to the very elements it sprang from, as directly and simply as possible.  In their last, final act, the deceased … have taken care in death to give back to the earth some very small measure of the vast resources they drew from it in life, and in the process, perpetuate the cycles of nature, of growth and decay, of death and rebirth, that sustain all of us.  (Harris 2007; 42).

Mark’s ideas are the heart behind the little cemetery “Green Meadows”, a place where one can “degrade naturally and rejoin the elements, to use what’s left of a life to regenerate new life, to return dust to dust” (http://www.greenmeadowpa.org/about-us/). As Ed and I walked through the snow covered cemetery – stamped with the snow tracks of deer and birds — Ed pointed out the various graves.  He noted that the first prominent burial in Green Meadow spurred some media attention.   Patrick B. Ytsma, a well known local bicyclist, was struck and killed while riding his bicycle. His decision to be buried in Green Meadow inspired a newspaper article featuring the cemetery as well as the donation of labor and supplies for the erection of the cemetery’s sign.

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And yet despite Mark’s advocacy and the attention that Ytsma’s burial gained, the demand for green burial in the Lehigh Valley remains small with only an average of two burials per year.  Ed – a generation ahead of his time –  anticipates that the young generation that have been inspired by the larger green movement will slowly but surely begin to fill the beautiful little natural hillside that is Green Meadow.  This, in many respects, is Ed’s heritage to the next generation and gift to a brighter, greener future.

15 Slogans for Death’s New PR Campaign

Death’s taken some heat lately … he’s taken James Gandolfini.  Paul Bearer.  Tom Clancy.  And let’s be honest, Death is due all the criticism he gets.  But, Death isn’t really that bad of a guy.  He’s just a normal dude with a difficult job.

As an effort to vault Death’s public perception, Death is looking to create a slogan that the world’s public will buy into.  A slogan that will help change the world’s perceptions.

Here are 15 slogans.  You’re the first test group, so feel free to criticize or change any of the slogan’s you see; or add any slogans you can create.

1.  “10 out of 10 human’s are doing it!”

2.  “It’s natural.  It’s good for the environment.  It’s green.  It’s death.”

3.  “I felt great when it happened to me.*” — Elvis Presley.

*Individual results may vary.

4.  “Taking care of business since the beginning of time!”

5.  “Death: It eases all your pain.”

6.  “만나서 반갑습니다.*” —  Kim Jong Il (right before he ordered Death to take him to his next kingdom.)

7.  “Come on over to the light.”

8.  “Death: I’m Your Heavenly chauffeur.*”

*Results may vary.

9.  “If it wasn’t for Me, you’d never have bacon.”

10.  “Be apart of something larger.  Donate yourself back to the universe.  Die.”

11.  “10 out of 10 people who die lose weight.”

12.  “Death: It will leave you breathless.”

13.  “It really helped my political campaign.” — William Wallace.

14.  “Without me, you’d still have Hitler, Stalin and bin Laden.”

15.  “Death: Here for you in your darkest hour.”

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Lend your creative genius to this effort and don’t let Death down … or he’ll let you down.  Seriously, don’t make him

“Man Up!”

The author of today’s guest post wishes to remain anonymous.

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“If you don’t ‘man-up’, you’ll never get a job in the funeral industry.”

These words will forever be replaying in my head, until my dying day.

As a mortuary science student, you must be prepared for many things:  hard work, long study hours, and the occasional scoff from people who don’t understand why you would pursue a college major that is extremely morbid.  But I was ready for all that.  I wanted to be the voice of a generation, someone who is not afraid to talk about death.

Since the age of six, I knew I wanted to help those who have lost a loved one, by facilitating their needs at such a dark time in their lives. It will forever be my calling. I remember when my mom used to drive by the local family-owned funeral home and I would tell her “Soon mommy, I’ll be able to work there.” My mom would just smile at me and say “I know you will Mijo, just give it time.”

Fast forward and I am now a mortuary science student, knee deep in everything death. It was absolutely blissful when professors and students alike praised my passion for wanting to become a funeral service professional. I thought I finally had it all. But I was naïve because I didn’t understand funeral service politics:  Family or Corporate?

Where I live, that is a huge decision one must make when looking for work. In my case, I was told to try everywhere.  Dutifully, I polished up my resume and headed to every funeral home with positions listed in my campus’s Mortuary Science office. I thought I had this particular family-owned position in the bag: the HR ladies loved me, and they were shocked at my professionalism. Two weeks passed by, and I didn’t receive a call. I thought nothing of it, especially even when two classmates got hired at the same exact location, and I just thought to myself “maybe they had something I didn’t”.

That same week, I was at the local funeral director’s dinner, and I was so happy to go, I mean, food and networking? Sign me up. As suggested, I sat with complete strangers. There, I met managers, owners, and even one of my new best friends. “Don’t go to corporate young man”, they said, “Corporate doesn’t care about you. Family-owned is where it’s at. It’s where you’ll be respected.”

I kept in mind that some of these people sitting with me were saying this actually worked at family-owned establishments. Not one of them suggested a place I should inquire. After dinner, I was spotted by the HR ladies who interviewed me at the funeral home that didn’t call me back. She walked over to me, gave me a hug, and told me to meet her outside. Nervous, I walked outside and we walked to the edge of the street, outside everyone’s hearing radius.

Her: I wanted to apologize for us not hiring you. We were ready to hire you right then and there, but the manager said no. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know you’re a passionate young man who really knows his stuff. I don’t mean to be rude, but are you gay?

I nodded.

Her: You see, the manager sees that as a liability, and he couldn’t take the risk. He even agreed that you were perfect for the position, except your mannerisms and the way you handle yourself is not what he thinks is fit for funeral service. Again, I know you’re just starting in school and everything is new to you, but take it from me, as one who has been in this business for a long time:  If you don’t man-up, you’ll never get a job in the funeral industry.

I didn’t say anything in this exchange. I mean, what could I have said? I was trying so hard not to cry, yell, and even do the dramatic storm-off. It was not a dream, as I was wishing it was. This was real life. As I dismissed myself from the party, I called my partner and sad to say it, he agreed with her. I mention this due to the fact behind his reasoning:  He works in an industry where being gay is equivalent to having the plague. He had been warning me that I would have to change myself in order to work in an industry like this.

I emailed my professors and asked them how I should proceed. Was this true? Do I need to change my mannerism in order to be taken seriously? Their shock of the situation was more than enough proof of why family-owned establishments never called me back.

The funeral home my mom used to drive by when I was a kid? An embalmer told me that I was sadly wasting my time because the owners are very homophobic. This was the owner who I used to look up to. It was like finding out Santa Claus was not real.

I journeyed on into corporate. I got hired rather quickly, but sadly, it just isn’t the same as I’d feel working for a family-owned establishment. But, I must be grateful that I at least got in the door. I saw that many people who were like me (gay and proud to be in funeral service) were welcoming, and told me that they’ve been through my heartache, and corporate is the home that welcomed them with open arms. My mentality is finally shifting to that viewpoint. I mean, what else is left when you’ve tried so hard to get noticed? I may have lost a fight, but I feel like I’m winning because I’m doing what I love.

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