CONFESSIONS OF A FUNERAL DIRECTOR » Funeral Directing

“Will You Help Me Pick Up a Body?”

12 years ago

by Caleb Wilde in Funeral Directing

This is a question I’ve had to ask a few of my friends ever once upon a busy day at the funeral home.

House pick ups are different than hospital and nursing home pick ups. “House calls” as we call them often involves obstacles (like stairs, furniture, etc.) that one person cannot overcome along.

While hospital and nursing home pick ups usually only require ONE person to make the removal, house calls require TWO.

There’s three of us at the funeral home who are capable of making house removals. When one out of those three is on vacation, leaving two behind, things can get sticky. Every once upon a busy day when we are picking up more bodies than our personnel can handle, I’ll have to randomly call in some back up … which usually ends of being one of my buddies.

Last year I called two separate friends on two separate occasions.

When I called both of them, I gave them this line:

“Do you want to make $150 dollars for an hour’s worth of work?”

“Sure!”, they said.

And when I told them HOW that $150 was to be made, both were still willing. After telling them what to wear, how the whole procedure would work and what they should expect, they both did a wonderful job. In fact, on one occasion, we arrived at the home of the deceased and the family feed us pizza. I paid my buddy $150 and he got free pizza too. Good deal.

This past Friday I was in the too-many-calls-with-too-little-personnel situation. Both of the friends I had called before were on vacation, so I called up another friend.

“Do you want to make $150 for an hours worth of work?”

“Sure”, he said. And then he asked, “Do I have to touch a dead body?”

“Yes.”, I said.

“Then $150 isn’t enough. I don’t want to touch a dead person.”, he stated.

I totally understood his position, told him I’d hold this over him forever and was able to find someone else who was willing to touch the dead.

How would your respond if your friendly funeral director asked you for help? Take my survey:

Being a Woman in the Death Care Industry

12 years ago

by Caleb Wilde in Funeral Directing, Guest Posts

Amanda Boling

Growing up in a small rural area of Arkansas it never occurred to me that I couldn’t do anything just because I was a girl. The thought of working in the death care industry had crossed my mind a few times throughout high school but as a teenager I was more concerned with fitting in so I took the route of going to cosmetology school instead. After a few years of working in a salon I became bored and decided to move on to a new field, start a family, and was eventually laid off, which helped me make the decision to go back to school … funeral school.

The night before school started panic hit me. I thought “what if I’m the only woman in class?”

I was relieved to find that I was not the only girl but in fact that at least half of the students were female. I was surprised to learn that 57 percent of U.S. mortuary school graduates are women. The industry is definitely changing but it still shocks so many people to find out what my major is. The reactions I’ve received have ranged from nervous laughter to silence. I’ve even had a person that bluntly said “I didn’t realize women did that.”

I’m never offended by these reactions but I know that people look at me differently. I honestly don’t care if people think I’m odd. I believe the death care industry is extremely important to society and so often people chose to ignore that because we as a society do not like to think about death.

After a few months of classes I started an apprenticeship with a local family owned funeral home and I knew right away that I wouldn’t be able to blend in as I had in the past with previous jobs. Most of the funeral homes in the area are family owned and consist of men fifty years and older.

When I was hired, I learned that there was no such thing as a dress code for women so we had to come to an agreement on what would be appropriate for death calls, visitations, and funerals. Another obstacle that I faced was the fact that all the men wore matching ties and suits on certain days of the week.

The owner offered to buy me a few reasonably priced suits if I could find something that closely matched theirs to “fit in.” I thanked him for the offer but thought to myself “A twenty six year old female is going to attract attention no matter what hanging around a funeral home.” Despite the age and gender difference I’ve still managed to jump right in with the guys and do what needs to be done.

The biggest problem I believe I have faced so far is the fact that men underestimate me being a woman. Because there is a fair amount of lifting involved in this line of work the men call upon each other for assistance completely overlooking me.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe they ignore me to be rude but rather out of respect so I find myself constantly reminding them “I’m not as delicate and fragile as you think.” I do realize that I’m not always capable of doing everything alone but I’ve never let that stop me from pursuing my career.

Besides the obvious fact that hair dressing and makeup are not a challenge for me, being a woman in the industry is always a nice way to start a conversation when you find yourself working a funeral or visitation. I find it interesting how people are curious and seek me out to strike up conversations.

I love meeting new people especially the older generations. They always seem to be very eager to talk to me (especially the men) and find out why I do what I do. I tell them I enjoy my job because it’s not your ordinary 8-5 grind and you provide a service to families in need at the same time.

I never really thought much about it but I suppose a woman can be more approachable than a man when you are distressed and in need of comfort. It never ceases to amaze me when complete strangers open up to me and tell me how important a simple smile was to them as they passed me during the service.

When you think of important qualities that a funeral director should possess it would most certainly include being approachable, comforting, compassionate, and friendly so I think that we may have the upper hand in the so called boys club when it comes to that aspect. I’m certainly not saying that men aren’t capable of this but I think most men would agree that it may come more naturally for a woman. While I understand that this may not be the easiest profession for me to join I love the challenge and hope that other women will follow.

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I’m a 26 year old single mom from Brookland, Arkansas. I expect to have my funeral degree by May 2013. When I’m not chasing a toddler I enjoy all things girly. I have a slight obsession with fingernail polish, and I enjoy spending time with my boyfriend who is also a funeral director.

Last Wishes of a Funeral Director’s Wife: Guest Post from Katy Prange

13 years ago

by Caleb Wilde in Funeral Directing, Guest Posts

Several years ago, while Katy Prange was struggling to balance kids and a job with a husband who has no back seats in his vehicle 50% of the time, she discovered very few ways to connect with others who understand the unique life experiences of someone who shares Life With A Funeral Director.

As a result, she founded Life With A Funeral Director.com to create an online community and resource for others who share life with funeral industry professionals.

Katy has been married to a funeral director for almost 10 years and is mom to two little girls.

She is a Legislative Aide for her day job, writes a weekly blog at lifewithafuneraldirector.com and hosts a Life With A Funeral Director Facebook group. Katy’s vision is to offer others who share life with a funeral director some ideas, thoughts and resources to strengthen and maintain our relationships under extremely unique and challenging circumstances.

She is seeking to find a way to connect with future-spouses of funeral directors to help them think through some of the “stuff” that challenges us on a daily basis, before they have to react to it. By offering a little humor and perspective, Katy hopes to create a sanctuary for others who seek understanding, even if it’s after the third night that the pager has gone off at 3 a.m. In addition, Katy hates lilies.

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I attended a funeral this week that touched me unlike any other.

For anyone who knows me, you know that we’ve attended a record number in the past year, so I have some relatively recent experience to draw upon.

This funeral was for my sister-in-laws father, whom I knew, but not well. But I always enjoyed his company. I felt really lucky to have been able to spend Christmas Eve with her family at our church’s kid-service. Little did I know it would be the last time I would see his smile.

The funeral was very touching because it was a sincere celebration of a life that many people would probably call unremarkable. There weren’t lists of awards or accollades. There weren’t trophies and “things” that commemorated his life. His obituary didn’t look like a re-tooled resume.

But the room was full and the tears were plenty as a life of true love and an unwavering dedication to family was recalled through laughter and sadness. There was not a single mention of regret. It didn’t exist. But the stories, the “dad always saids…”, the strength that he held throughout his final battle and the little things of his everyday life, filled the space with a celebration.

As we often do, I started to contemplate my own demise and realized that there are some little things I need to start doing in my life now – to have the kind of life I want to be remembered when it is my turn. While I will be looking on from above, I still want my life to be worth celebrating. I want my children to know me and know unconditional love from me. I want to build traditions for them that they can pass down and live with their own families and maybe remember me when I am not there anymore. I want my husband to know how much I love and cherish him. I want to be remembered for the woman I was – not what I did.

I also realized I want everyone to hear my favorite songs at my funeral. I’m going to make them all eat Thai food at the after meal and then I want everyone to meet around a campfire after the service to have a beer and toast marshmallows.

And because I share a life with a funeral director, I know that if I write it down and plan it, it can happen that way. In death – as in life – I can be the complete control freak that I am and have things my way one last time. And if I live my life the way I should, no one will mind.