Funeral Directing
“Man Up!”
The author of today’s guest post wishes to remain anonymous.
*****
“If you don’t ‘man-up’, you’ll never get a job in the funeral industry.”
These words will forever be replaying in my head, until my dying day.
As a mortuary science student, you must be prepared for many things: hard work, long study hours, and the occasional scoff from people who don’t understand why you would pursue a college major that is extremely morbid. But I was ready for all that. I wanted to be the voice of a generation, someone who is not afraid to talk about death.
Since the age of six, I knew I wanted to help those who have lost a loved one, by facilitating their needs at such a dark time in their lives. It will forever be my calling. I remember when my mom used to drive by the local family-owned funeral home and I would tell her “Soon mommy, I’ll be able to work there.” My mom would just smile at me and say “I know you will Mijo, just give it time.”
Fast forward and I am now a mortuary science student, knee deep in everything death. It was absolutely blissful when professors and students alike praised my passion for wanting to become a funeral service professional. I thought I finally had it all. But I was naïve because I didn’t understand funeral service politics: Family or Corporate?
Where I live, that is a huge decision one must make when looking for work. In my case, I was told to try everywhere. Dutifully, I polished up my resume and headed to every funeral home with positions listed in my campus’s Mortuary Science office. I thought I had this particular family-owned position in the bag: the HR ladies loved me, and they were shocked at my professionalism. Two weeks passed by, and I didn’t receive a call. I thought nothing of it, especially even when two classmates got hired at the same exact location, and I just thought to myself “maybe they had something I didn’t”.
That same week, I was at the local funeral director’s dinner, and I was so happy to go, I mean, food and networking? Sign me up. As suggested, I sat with complete strangers. There, I met managers, owners, and even one of my new best friends. “Don’t go to corporate young man”, they said, “Corporate doesn’t care about you. Family-owned is where it’s at. It’s where you’ll be respected.”
I kept in mind that some of these people sitting with me were saying this actually worked at family-owned establishments. Not one of them suggested a place I should inquire. After dinner, I was spotted by the HR ladies who interviewed me at the funeral home that didn’t call me back. She walked over to me, gave me a hug, and told me to meet her outside. Nervous, I walked outside and we walked to the edge of the street, outside everyone’s hearing radius.
Her: I wanted to apologize for us not hiring you. We were ready to hire you right then and there, but the manager said no. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know you’re a passionate young man who really knows his stuff. I don’t mean to be rude, but are you gay?
I nodded.
Her: You see, the manager sees that as a liability, and he couldn’t take the risk. He even agreed that you were perfect for the position, except your mannerisms and the way you handle yourself is not what he thinks is fit for funeral service. Again, I know you’re just starting in school and everything is new to you, but take it from me, as one who has been in this business for a long time: If you don’t man-up, you’ll never get a job in the funeral industry.
I didn’t say anything in this exchange. I mean, what could I have said? I was trying so hard not to cry, yell, and even do the dramatic storm-off. It was not a dream, as I was wishing it was. This was real life. As I dismissed myself from the party, I called my partner and sad to say it, he agreed with her. I mention this due to the fact behind his reasoning: He works in an industry where being gay is equivalent to having the plague. He had been warning me that I would have to change myself in order to work in an industry like this.
I emailed my professors and asked them how I should proceed. Was this true? Do I need to change my mannerism in order to be taken seriously? Their shock of the situation was more than enough proof of why family-owned establishments never called me back.
The funeral home my mom used to drive by when I was a kid? An embalmer told me that I was sadly wasting my time because the owners are very homophobic. This was the owner who I used to look up to. It was like finding out Santa Claus was not real.
I journeyed on into corporate. I got hired rather quickly, but sadly, it just isn’t the same as I’d feel working for a family-owned establishment. But, I must be grateful that I at least got in the door. I saw that many people who were like me (gay and proud to be in funeral service) were welcoming, and told me that they’ve been through my heartache, and corporate is the home that welcomed them with open arms. My mentality is finally shifting to that viewpoint. I mean, what else is left when you’ve tried so hard to get noticed? I may have lost a fight, but I feel like I’m winning because I’m doing what I love.
21 Tips for Aspiring Funeral Directors
© 1909 The Library of Congress, Flickr | PD | via Wylio
Aspiring funeral directors (specifically, those who AREN’T coming from a family business) will often ask a variation of one of these three questions:
“Do you have any advice for those wanting to get into the funeral business?”
“Have any tips for funeral students trying to get an apprenticeship at a funeral home?”
“I just got my license. How do I land a job at a funeral home?”
Aside from the obvious advice, like, “Don’t make any jokes about necrophilia during your interview”, I feel it was best to crowd source advice from other professionals in funeral service. Over 150 replied. Some of the advice is similar, but each comes from a different perspective.
Here are 21 tips for aspiring first generation funeral directors from those who have made it.
“Do you have any advice for those wanting to get into the funeral business?”
1. From Kristen A.: My advice is … funeral services isn’t a “job”, it’s a calling. If you don’t have it in your heart you’ll never succeed.
2. From Jim S.: (If you have questions about the funeral industry) the worst thing to do is just “pop” in (to a funeral home) and ask to see anyone. The best course would either be to ask for an introduction from someone you know or make initial contact via e-mail. This is directly from my instructor as well, if you have questions (about the funeral industry), contact a school that offers the Mortuary classes, they have all the time in the world to talk.
2. From Heidi B.: Job shadow a funeral director for one week if you’re able and tour/talk to a mortuary school.
3. From Geoff C.: (Aspiring funeral directors) need to get their foot in the door (very hard) and try to experience as many aspects of the job as possible BEFORE going to mortuary school. They need to understand it’s not all about wearing nice suits and driving nice cars. I personally saw so many, in school, their first time in a prep room was at labs. They do their apprenticeship and get licensed and within a year, they leave the industry.
4. From Kyle S.: I was talked out of my career in high school when I approached a funeral director in my town for advice. She told me to basically go away and find another career because I would never get a job, not having relatives in the business. I regret listening to her…so my advice is: if you really want it, DO IT. There will always be a place for you, perhaps not in your town or state….but life is long and hard when there are regrets.
5. From Erica C.: Networking is a great tool. Knowing people at a removal service in a larger area is a good thing since they have contact with the majority of the funeral homes. Also, I did my apprenticeship at an embalming service and learned invaluable skills. As an embalmer you are much more marketable.
6.: From Shandel P.: Get a job (if you can’t get a job, then volunteer your weekends) at your local funeral home BEFORE you commit to going to mortuary school in hopes of making a career of being a funeral professional. I’ve had quite a few people I went to school with who quit when they started their internship (i.e. after they were done with Mort school) because they couldn’t deal.
7. From Tony G.: Be sure to get your Bachelors degree in something else. That way in five years, when you are married and have kids you don’t feel stuck. This business isn’t for everyone and if you find out its not for you, you have a back-up plan. That’s my personal advice, because I am not sure that if I had other options available to me that I would still be in funeral service. It’s changed so much and is so far away from why I started
“Have any tips for funeral students trying to get an apprenticeship at a funeral home?”
1. From Boyd C.: Be willing to relocate (especially for an apprenticeship).
2. From Ada O.: Write up a solid résumé and cover letter. Mail it to as many places as you can, and follow up in two weeks if you don’t hear from anybody. I did this for 15 funeral homes and finally got an apprenticeship.
3. From Cortney N.: There are internships out there! You just have to be proactive. I am not from a family of funeral directors, so I am a first generation. You will most likely have to relocate, there are head hunters out there as well who do assist in finding interns/ internships.
4. From Matthew S.: Personal Presentation is HUGE. Dress nice but don’t look like a hooker or pimp. Hide all crazy tattoos and piercings! (And you should probably shave your beard and cut your hair.)
5. From Boyd C.: Follow up. Call funeral homes and ask to just meet with a director to ask questions about the industry. Above all, just keep at it. Eventually a door will open.
6. From Anna K.: Yes, you will work A TON of hours your first year. But at what professional job you wouldn’t? Besides, if you love the job you won’t mind spending the time developing your skills and know that it won’t be a waste of time because those hours will pay off in the long run. There are good firms out there. Just be proactive and stay positive.
7. From Hannah K.: As an apprentice or new guy/gal everyone is your boss. You do not have a job description. Do your best to do whatever (in legal and moral boundries)it is you are asked to do.
“I just got my license. How do I land a job at a funeral home?”
1. Tony G.: Interview, interview, interview and interview. Don’t be desperate to find a funeral home. You will end up quitting and jumping from one frying pan to another. Don’t rush it. You will know when you find the right place.
2. From Kristin J.: I had no connections when I started. Talk to teachers, they are huge assets and can help put in words of recommendation. Post resumes on state board websites and nfda. Be open minded and it helps to be willing to relocate. Make sure its something you feel passionate about because its hard day in and day out. Supportive family is a must since hours are all over the place and you don’t get holidays or weekends.
3. From Dale C. Now that I am in the position of hiring people, the skills that folks learn at mortuary school are just a small part of what they need to know in order for me to even consider hiring them. Technology, computers, writing and speaking skills are an absolute must. Whether you are fresh from mortuary school or an experienced funeral director the following skills are an absolute requirement. (You can read more of Dale’s thoughts HERE.)
4. From Leslie S.: It’s easier in a bigger city that has corporately owned funeral homes. They tend to hire more workers.
5. From Ron M.: SCI (Dignity Funeral Homes) are always looking for new hires. I’m a former Location Manager (No License). I started as General Duties and learned as much as I could. Eventually that led to My Several Promotions.
6. Some real practical advice from Rose A.: Learn proper composure. Walk and talk in such a way as to lend dignity to your profession. Sharpen your listening skills. Don’t jingle your change or check your phone in view of funeral attendants. React with compassion, but do not speak in platitudes. Don’t say, “Good morning” or “good evening” when answering the door, say, “welcome”. Have tissues handy in your pocket. Don’t chew gum.
7. Rachel M.: Don’t get discouraged. It may seem difficult to find a job, but it is worth the wait. This is a very rewarding profession and you can’t stop before you start.
If you’ve made it this far, I’ve written three pieces that directly and indirectly answer those questions:
10 Burdens Funeral Directors Carry
Ten Reasons I’m a Funeral Director
So, You Wanna Be a Funeral Director?
11 Worst and Best Things to Say at a Funeral
I’m often asked, “What are the best and worst things to say at a funeral?” And it’s a great question to ask because the right words can help speed up healing, while the wrong words can delay the grief process by days, maybe even months.
I stumbled across this list from Grief.com and thought they were very helpful. Of course, there may be one or two pieces of advice that should be taken lightly.
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
- At least she lived a long life, many people die young
- He is in a better place
- She brought this on herself
- Edward Cullen does not exist and even if he did, he wouldn’t bite your loved one
- There is a reason for everything
- Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for awhile now
- You can have another child still
- She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him
- I know how you feel
- She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go
- Be strong
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
- I am so sorry for your loss.
- I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
- I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can.
- You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
- I have a ton of bacon in my car with your name on it.
- My favorite memory of your loved one is…
- I am always just a phone call away
- Give a hug instead of saying something
- We all need help at times like this, I am here for you
- I am usually up early or late, if you need anything
- Saying nothing, just be with the person
Taken (mostly) verbatim from the incredibly helpful Grief.com
If you’d like to share your experiences with what should or shouldn’t be said, please feel free to share. Or, if you agree or disagree with any of the above suggestions, let me know!
I Carry Death
Tears in the produce aisle of Wal-Mart.
Hugs at the gas station.
An affectionate gaze at the pizza shop.
Created by death.
To you, I’m all the depth without any superficial.
The person who helped you walk through the shadow.
The person who stood with you as you said your last goodbye.
As the lid was closed, I was there.
I am not your friend.
I am not your bar buddy.
We will never talk sports, or politics or local gossip.
I am almost your brother.
Almost family.
I am your funeral director.
And I carry your death experience.
I carry in my own heart your grief, you insecurities, your hardest moment.
I remind you of him, of her … in many cases, I remind you of them.
I carry the depth. Your deep is in me.
The depth of this community is my association.
Everywhere I go, I carry death.
Ten Things to Hate about Me
“I hate this guy” he wrote, referring to me. This past weekend I was on the front page of NBC’s news site and the hate remark was in reference to the content of the article.
I get it. I put myself out on facebook, twitter and my blog and not everyone will like me. BUUUUTTT, it still kinda hurts.
In addition to that remark, this last month has brought some disapproving assessments such as “You’re a disgrace to the funeral industry.”, “You should quit.”, “(your content) shouts inappropriate and trashy” and that I’m “completely nuts.” Because the value of the conversation about death and funerals outweighs the negative comments, I’m okay with the criticism. In fact, I welcome it, knowing that criticism and even hate are all apart of this important conversation.
But, if you’re gonna hate, let me help. Let me help by attempting to put your feelings into words. I think we can have a better conversation if you know WHY you hate me. So, here are ten:
One. I represent a rather avant-garde approach to death and funerals.
I like tradition. Most of us do. Tradition becomes a part of who we are. And when some young guy like me comes along and starts talking about and questioning a part of your tradition, it’s like I’m questioning and talking about you. It’s like I’m demeaning you and your tribe.
Two. I don’t treat death as sacred as you might like me to.
In my opinion, death and the funeral industry aren’t like the sacred Ark of the Covenant … something that can only be talked about and handled by the professionals … something that’s hidden behind layers of veils. I’ve removed the veil. I don’t treat it like it’s a distant abstraction. I think it’s real and near. I weave humor into it. I don’t think it’s only for the professionals. In fact, I think – in one way or another – we all have a right to talk about it. And yes, even Tweet about it.
Three. I’m a millennial and I tend to be postmodern.
I just make the millennial cut. As far as being postmodern, that has little to do with age and a lot to do with perspective.
I do not see things in absolutes like you may. I see the world differently. I’m not looking for metanarratives; I don’t believe that one size fits all, and so I don’t believe one type of funeral ritual is good for all. I see multiple stories, many narratives and I realize that each narrative, each community is looking for something different in both life and death.
Four. I’m writing my blog for millennials and postmoderns.
My generation isn’t interested in the funeral business as much as they’re interested in the people of the funeral business. I – my story, my narrative, my life, my thoughts – will be the foundation of my sustainability as a funeral director. Not necessarily marketing, the new “personalized” merchandise, the next great package or even an awesome webpage (my website looks as dated as a Nokia clam shell). My story — good and bad — will shape my future in this industry. And being able to tell that story in social media is the means to that end.
Five. I’m willing to be transparent.
Maybe even too transparent? Because I think transparency is akin to vulnerability. And vulnerability is one of the keys to connecting with postmoderns and millennials like myself.
Six. I’m a bronie.
Just kidding. Okay, maybe I like My Little Ponies a tiny, tiny bit.
Seven. I like Mother Earth.
I don’t think that this world is something we should use and abuse because there’s another, better world in the life beyond. I don’t think earth is a playground that we can mess up because REAL life starts after this one. I believe this world is special … that we should treat it as such. And while I serve, honor and respect people who want embalming, I’m moving towards natural burial as a more environmentally friendly and psychologically healthy method of disposition.
Eight. I’m a heretic.
Yes, my desire to move away from industrialized funerals, including embalming, is considered heresy for some. You’re welcome to burn me on social media. Just don’t use real fire. Please. I have skins. I burns. It hurts.
Nine. It’s not just that I’m a millennial and postmodern, it’s also that I’m young and I have a platform.
I’m not using my platform to “tell everyone how it SHOULD be done.” I’m sharing my thoughts and inviting a conversation. I want the conversation, even if it leads down a path I’m not comfortable with. Just so we’re clear. And yes, I’m young. I’m 32.
Ten. I like Nickelback, The Twilight Series and … I’m not a big fan of cats. Sorry.
