Caleb Wilde
(218 comments, 980 posts)
Posts by Caleb Wilde
Eight Photos of the Embalming Process
WARNING: This post contains photos of the embalming process. If you are sensitive to photos of deceased persons and bodily fluids, please do not continue reading. The purpose of this post isn’t to salaciously satisfy your morbid appetite. My hope is that it can create a better (albeit fundamental) understanding of the process of embalming.
All of these photos have been sourced from the YouTube video “Modern Embalming Practice” by German embalmer Thomas Müller.
If you’re interested in the depth of the funeral business, this book will bury you six feet deep.
Six Stupid Death Jokes
ONE.
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, “Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asks, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two a**holes.”
“What? He had two a**holes?!” exclaims the mortician.
“Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two a** holes.'”
TWO.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re a REAL punk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
THREE.
A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog.
“Of course not,” says the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question.
“No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?”
The granddaughter replies, “Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland.”
FOUR.
An old Italian woman lived alone in the country. It was nearing Mother’s Day and she wanted to dig her tomato garden, as she had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging woman as the ground was hard. Her only son, Vincent, who used to help her, was currently in prison because of his affiliation with The Mob. The old woman wrote a letter to her son and described her predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Mom.
A few days later she received a letter from her son:
Dear Mom,
Not for nothing, but don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old woman’s house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn’t find any bodies, so they apologized to the old woman and left.
That same day the old woman received another letter from her son.
Dear Mom,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Happy Mother’s Day,
Vinnie
FIVE.
Donna’s husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike’s obituary to read.Donna asked the undertaker, “How much does an obituary cost?” The undertaker replied, “One dollar per word.”Donna then said, “I want the obituary to read – MIKE IS DEAD.”The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike’s and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered,”I’ll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I’ll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket.”
Donna’s face lit up and she replied, “Great. I want it to read – MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.”
SIX.
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”
So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.”
