One.  Paul Blart.

Two weeks ago we had a family that was verbally fighting over “what mom wants” for her funeral.  The fighting got so intense that one side actually brought a security guard with them to the funeral.

Don’t have Paul Blart security guards at your funeral.  Determine what you want at your funeral now so your family doesn’t fight over it later.

Two. The Cyborg Death.

Thinking about your death now, also makes us think about how we die.  Do you want to die with tubes hooked into your body, being sustained indefinitely by machines while your body lives on in a semi vegetative state?  I don’t.  And I’ve made it clear that I don’t.  If you want the cyborg death and you don’t want anyone “pulling the plugs”, that’s fine … but either way you should probably make it official by creating a LIVING WILL.

Three.  Breast Augmentation. 

That legal document (called “a will” or “testament”) that makes sure your stuff doesn’t somehow end up funding your ex-husband’s new trophy wife’s breast augmentation is important to do BEFORE you die.

Four.  Your debts don’t pay off themselves.

And if all the stuff you have is debt and darkness and you don’t want to leave your parents paying for your college or your children paying for your house, you may want to think about term life insurance.  Unlike General Motors, you don’t receive a bailout when you die.

Five.  Because you don’t know the difference between an executor and a power of attorney. 

Six.  The Stupid Tax.

Because the less you think about death (your own death and the death of your loved ones), the more likely you’ll be hit hard with the stupid tax.

The stupid tax applies to funerals: Did you know that if you can save money by planning for a natural burial and/or a home funeral?

Seven.  This.

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Eight.  You Can Be a neo-Zombie.  

One organ donor can save up to eight lives.  So, be an organ donor and pieces of you will be walking around long after you’re gone.  You’ll be like a Zombie, but a living one … which is cooler.  It’s like a neo-Zombie.

Nine.  Fido Doesn’t Want to be Euthanized

You have godparents for your kids.  But do you have godparents for your pets?  Make sure someone is there to take care of your animals because if no one steps up they could go to the rescue.  And while nobody at the rescue wants to euthanize Fido, sometimes it has to happen.

Ten.  Dying Makes You Drunk

I know.  You’re not dying right now.  And Death probably isn’t scheduled into your calendar anytime soon.  But you think, “I’ll probably die of cancer at an older age and then I’ll get my house in order.  I’ll write my will, I’ll determine my Living Will, I’ll name my power of attorney and executor, I’ll make my prearrangements for my funeral, etc. etc.”

There’s a slight problem with that line of thinking.  Dying kind of makes you drunk.  Not drunk in the “let’s have a good time” sense, but drunk in the “I really shouldn’t be making big decisions right now” sense.  Dying often changes us.  And it often prompts us to make less than objective decisions.

So, if you want to leave all those big decisions up to drunk you, go ahead.  Just let me know, so I can take your money.  Bwhahahaha.

Eleven.  Life.

Because the more you think about death, the more you realize that all of this has an end.  And the more you realize that you, your parents, you friends and your family will eventually die, the more you can embrace this precious thing called life.

By embracing death, we embrace life.

 

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