“Man Up!”

The author of today’s guest post wishes to remain anonymous.

*****

“If you don’t ‘man-up’, you’ll never get a job in the funeral industry.”

These words will forever be replaying in my head, until my dying day.

As a mortuary science student, you must be prepared for many things:  hard work, long study hours, and the occasional scoff from people who don’t understand why you would pursue a college major that is extremely morbid.  But I was ready for all that.  I wanted to be the voice of a generation, someone who is not afraid to talk about death.

Since the age of six, I knew I wanted to help those who have lost a loved one, by facilitating their needs at such a dark time in their lives. It will forever be my calling. I remember when my mom used to drive by the local family-owned funeral home and I would tell her “Soon mommy, I’ll be able to work there.” My mom would just smile at me and say “I know you will Mijo, just give it time.”

Fast forward and I am now a mortuary science student, knee deep in everything death. It was absolutely blissful when professors and students alike praised my passion for wanting to become a funeral service professional. I thought I finally had it all. But I was naïve because I didn’t understand funeral service politics:  Family or Corporate?

Where I live, that is a huge decision one must make when looking for work. In my case, I was told to try everywhere.  Dutifully, I polished up my resume and headed to every funeral home with positions listed in my campus’s Mortuary Science office. I thought I had this particular family-owned position in the bag: the HR ladies loved me, and they were shocked at my professionalism. Two weeks passed by, and I didn’t receive a call. I thought nothing of it, especially even when two classmates got hired at the same exact location, and I just thought to myself “maybe they had something I didn’t”.

That same week, I was at the local funeral director’s dinner, and I was so happy to go, I mean, food and networking? Sign me up. As suggested, I sat with complete strangers. There, I met managers, owners, and even one of my new best friends. “Don’t go to corporate young man”, they said, “Corporate doesn’t care about you. Family-owned is where it’s at. It’s where you’ll be respected.”

I kept in mind that some of these people sitting with me were saying this actually worked at family-owned establishments. Not one of them suggested a place I should inquire. After dinner, I was spotted by the HR ladies who interviewed me at the funeral home that didn’t call me back. She walked over to me, gave me a hug, and told me to meet her outside. Nervous, I walked outside and we walked to the edge of the street, outside everyone’s hearing radius.

Her: I wanted to apologize for us not hiring you. We were ready to hire you right then and there, but the manager said no. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know you’re a passionate young man who really knows his stuff. I don’t mean to be rude, but are you gay?

I nodded.

Her: You see, the manager sees that as a liability, and he couldn’t take the risk. He even agreed that you were perfect for the position, except your mannerisms and the way you handle yourself is not what he thinks is fit for funeral service. Again, I know you’re just starting in school and everything is new to you, but take it from me, as one who has been in this business for a long time:  If you don’t man-up, you’ll never get a job in the funeral industry.

I didn’t say anything in this exchange. I mean, what could I have said? I was trying so hard not to cry, yell, and even do the dramatic storm-off. It was not a dream, as I was wishing it was. This was real life. As I dismissed myself from the party, I called my partner and sad to say it, he agreed with her. I mention this due to the fact behind his reasoning:  He works in an industry where being gay is equivalent to having the plague. He had been warning me that I would have to change myself in order to work in an industry like this.

I emailed my professors and asked them how I should proceed. Was this true? Do I need to change my mannerism in order to be taken seriously? Their shock of the situation was more than enough proof of why family-owned establishments never called me back.

The funeral home my mom used to drive by when I was a kid? An embalmer told me that I was sadly wasting my time because the owners are very homophobic. This was the owner who I used to look up to. It was like finding out Santa Claus was not real.

I journeyed on into corporate. I got hired rather quickly, but sadly, it just isn’t the same as I’d feel working for a family-owned establishment. But, I must be grateful that I at least got in the door. I saw that many people who were like me (gay and proud to be in funeral service) were welcoming, and told me that they’ve been through my heartache, and corporate is the home that welcomed them with open arms. My mentality is finally shifting to that viewpoint. I mean, what else is left when you’ve tried so hard to get noticed? I may have lost a fight, but I feel like I’m winning because I’m doing what I love.