I’m a funeral director.  Have been for the past 10 years.  And during those ten years, I’ve helped numerous families memorialize miscarriages and still born babies.

As a male who often finds himself in that “insensitive” category, I used to secretly wonder why there’s a desire to memorialize those not yet born.

After all, what’s to memorialize?

When I first became a funeral director, I struggled to understand how I could write an obituary for one who has no biography.  After a year or so, I developed this three sentence template:

_____________ the stillborn son/daughter of ___________ and ____________ passed away on ____________________ at “so and so” hospital.  Left to grieve this loss is the maternal and paternal grandparents, as well as the uncles and aunts.  A memorial service will be held on ____________ at the __________ Funeral Home.

That’s it.  No job occupations to write.  No hobbies, memberships or significant others to be included in the obituary.  In place of the age, the obituary will suffice to say, “infant”, or “stillborn”.

Being both insensitive and hardheaded, it took a pretty intense situation for me to see and feel the “what” and the “why” of memorializing those who weren’t afforded a chance to live.

I used to think that one of the most in house controversial topics for Christians related to the “eternal security” and/or “perseverance of the saints” discussions.  I’ve seen artery popping, fist clenching, impassioned arguments over whether or not you can walk away from God and lose your entrance ticket for passage through the Pearly Gates.

I was wrong.  There’s another topic that’s even more sacred.

I learned my lesson in a Degree Completion Class at Lancaster Bible College.  There was a large cross-section of students in that class, with ages ranging from 25 to 62 and an even broader array of experience.

The professor breached a topic that he wished he hadn’t when he said, “There’s no absolute biblical evidence that fetuses and infants go to heaven.”

That was it.  He had touched some major buttons that I don’t think he even realized existed.

Without even raising their hands, two outspoken women in the class – who, as we were soon to learn, had lost children – burst in with utter defiance.  “How dare you speak to something so sensitive when you’ve never lost a child!” one said.  Another burst into tears, asserting how God had spoken to her, reassuring her that her lost children were indeed with Him.

I’ve felt tension in classrooms, funerals and churches, but this was a tension that was raised to a level I didn’t know existed.  Without knowing it, that Prof. had tread on one of the most sacred realms of Christian doctrine … the belief that ALL lives are loved and known by our Maker … that ALL are children of God.

Mother’s day is today.

This is the time of year that many mothers carry a silent grief.  This is the time of the year when mothers remember, when they memorialize lost lives that the rest of us (their friends and family … especially us men) have unintentionally forgotten.  And, specifically, it’s a time when men can be exceptionally insensitive to the grief that can reemerge during this holiday.

And there’s some women who will not only carry their silent grief this mother’s day, but who also NEVER had the chance to memorialize lives that God knows … because I know that for every one woman who has memorialized the death of the unborn or still born, there are many others who have not.

Today, God remembers you and your losses.  There’s a scripture that says God bottles our tears, a word picture that says, “your tears are too precious to fall to the ground” … that when a person cries, it’s such a valuable experience to God that he stops what he’s doing, bends over and carefully watches every tear flowing down our broken faces.  It’s as though he keeps those tears so he can remember what you have gone through … the same way we save items of sentimental value so those things can help us remember important experiences.

I invite you to remember that God not only remembers, but he also grieves with you.

Enter Your Mail Address